if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
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He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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