I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
