You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
