I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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