He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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