Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You can't special order awesome
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
