Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
