Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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