she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
