got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
