Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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