Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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