Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
