Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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