I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
