Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
