Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
