you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
