At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We smell like vodka and hangover
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