SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
