Just took my morning after pill in the library
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
