the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
