I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
