so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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