Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
