the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
