dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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