from now on my penis is your penis
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
