Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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