I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
