Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
