i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
