What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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