If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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