I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
