Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
