I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
