that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
