Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
