I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
