I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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