I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
