You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
