i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
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What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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