Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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