I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
