I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
