i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
