Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
