Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
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Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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