Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
