this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
