He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
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This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
as a side note pls kill me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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