Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The power of my boobs compel you
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
