I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
